craig-parker.net > Stage & Screen > Public Appearances > Comedy Debates > Celebrity Comic Debate 2001 Transcript
From the Queenstown Winter Festival July 26, 2001 - TV-3 Great Comedy Debate: "Sex Is the Most Important Thing in A Relationship"
Thanks to jmsstyx and bananamanager
Negative Team: Craig Parker - Oliver Driver - Rebecca Hobbes
Affirmative Team: Kevin Smith - Anna Kennedy - Ginette
McDonald
Moderator: Teresa Healy
Teresa Healy: The very cute, cuddly and perfectly formed Mr. Parker reckons it's so long since he had sex, he's forgotten who ties up who. Ladies and gentlemen, the leader of the negative, Mr. Craig Parker.
Craig Parker: Thank you, Madame Chair, ladies and gentlemen. We've heard Ginette claim that sex is the most important thing in a relationship. Ginette McDonald: a tome; a national institution - like Ti Papa (Craig could also possibly mean Te Papa)- and like our place, not often visited. Kevin Smith: a man of many parts, some of them his own. On stage, he is Lawrence Olivier and Danny Kaye rolled into one - as they often did themselves. And Anna: sweet Anna Kennedy. Oh, she may PLAY the cheap, skanky ho, but when I see Anna Kennedy I see a sweet, virginal child, soft, like a little kitten, hiding behind this hard-edged persona because she is AFRAID. Afraid of a first kiss, let alone something more visceral. To these 3 brave battlers, sex is the holiest of holies - an undiscovered all-forgotten country - an unobtainable nirvana of pleasure. Of course, they will cry its importance, if only in the hope that being so vocal about it, maybe someone will give them some.
Where as we, the Negative - well you only need look at us, really: three Soaps stars, dripping with the pheromone of fame, human Viagra! We bestride this nation like Colossi, and the nation looks up, desperate to catch a glimpse up our trouser leg. For us, sex is only as far as a click of our fingers, the push of a speed dial, or the promise of a career. And, while some may say this ease of conquest may have turned our heads, made us shallow, (laughter) I say the opposite is true. For we understand the value of sex, it's place in our lives and our relationships. And so, we strip it of its power as easily as we can strip a panting fan of their underwear.
But please, don't judge the Affirmative too harshly; after all, life already has. For I, too, once believed sex to be the most important thing in a relationship. I was a medley of Mick Jagger, Peggy Lee and Jerry Lee Lewis. I couldn't get no satisfaction in my great balls of fire. Sex was all! My life was lived purely for carnal pleasure! All I wanted was to mate the beast of two backs. Or three, four... So it may have continued, if not for a rude awakening.
It had started innocently enough: a quiet drink with Mary Pecka.. bruhaoh, wot I've just blown that gag, haven't I? You know the chick I mean. At her favourite bar, "Mermaids". Her husband had stayed home for a cup of tea. I was just about to suggest that we slip off for an infusion of something hot, ourselves, when I saw her: rising out of the murky depths, the prettiest mermaid of them all, tiny, seaweed skirt set high, exposing her long, well-turned tail. The last thing I remember was diving into the tank, greased with lard, my spear-gun loaded and ready to get some Kaimawana. Then blackness.
I awoke in a strange bed, sheets like cardboard, with only the vague memory of the previous evening. My heart was racing. Who was this angel of the tank, this Goddess from last night? I heard the quiet rustle of an expensive suit, the purr of thighs, gently rubbing against one another. All thoughts of my hangover and a desire for sleep fled. My loins stirred, hungry for more! And then I heard the clear, bell-like ring of enormous earrings jangling together. I turned, and there, standing silhouetted in the doorway was Christine Rankin. My heart sang, it leapt, it did things it had never done before. I realized I was feeling something I had never known. I was IN LOVE. Not quick, fecund love, but true, deep, relationship-type love.
I was just about to utter words of love when she spoke: "Alright, sweetcakes, I've got just about time for one more, so quick, get your gear off and let's get on with it." I tried to protest, to offer my love, but she cut me off. "Listen, love - last night, you promised me another go, and you'd better deliver, or I'll have you for breach of promise!" I'm not proud of what I did, but she's not cheap. She chartered me a plane and sent me home. Well, it was all so clear - I had wanted a relationship, full of it's many varied hues, never placing one aspect above the other. Before, I too, like the Affirmative, had tried to say that sex was the most important thing. But now, I knew. I girded my overused loins and set out to be as celibate as a Catholic priest. (pause) And set out to be celibate.
Now I had tasted the wicked wonders of the world, and I found them wanting. I had mistakenly placed sex above all else, and so lost my way. Sex is NOT the most important thing in a relationship. The most important thing is knowing that you can get sex when you want it. And as with everything you know you can get, it becomes less important. For this was not the sad celibacy of the frightened or the ugly, this was a joyful release, a decision to change my life for the better. I think of myself like a life-long smoker who one day decides to quit. As he takes it day by day, choosing not to have that cigarette, I, too, choose not to have sex. And, just like that smoker, my fingers no longer smell. And the yellow stains are fading. I no longer have to pick things up from the gutter. And best of all, I don't wake up with that disgusting taste in my mouth. Thank you, good night.
SUMMATION:
Craig Parker: Good evening, Queenstown!!! What'll it be: the money (gestures towards the Negative) or the bag (gestures towards the Affirmative)?
Ginette began, sucking up - the only sucking she's done in a long time. Sucking up desperately to you good people of Quenstown. She began with the idea of a motion to pass. And indeed she did, for a very long time. An excrementally long speech. She's constantly berating Kevin to sit up straight; is it any wonder this woman hasn't seen a man's penis for years? Ginette claims to be pre-menopausal (shakes head in disbelief) okay, umm... Ginette spoke of wanting dangerous, dirty and disturbing sex. She wanted short, nasty and brutish penetration. Whenever I think of Ginette having sex, all those words pop into my head. Remarkable.
And Kevin - now, Kevin spoke of rolling the dice every time he meets somebody. I met Kevin in 1989. We've met a number of times- he's NEVER taken me like a bitch. 13 years!!! All those meetings!!! Have I come out "snake's eye" every time, Kevin???
Kevin Smith: Yeah- TROUSER snake-eyes.
Craig Parker: (laughing) Kevin spoke of rolling... You can cut this out for the home viewers. Before the debate, he and I discovered we shared a similar situation in our hotel, where the porn channel is permanently on, and we don't have to pay for it!
Kevin Smith: Are you insane??? Don't TELL them!!! Oh. That's, that's finished now, isn't it?
Craig Parker: And dear Anna Kennedy has a great fear of saying nothing and appearing stupid, so opens her mouth, and PROVES it. But she does have an aptitude for the tongues: she can speak 8 different languages, for those of you who don't know, but can say "No" in none of them.
Ollie claims to be the greatest lover of all time -
Oliver Driver: It's not a claim.
Craig Parker: As I said, we've been here together for four days. He's had ALL of us.
Oliver Driver: (points to the audience) And half of you.
Craig Parker: He took us. He was magnificent.
But, both Rebecca and I, while the sex may have been great, can't
stand him.
Thank you. Good night.